It’s true my mental chatter doesn’t ever really stop, and even before my exhibition, I’ve been thinking a lot about my art.
Social media has taken up a lot of head space. The energy to keep up with, and figure out, an ever changing algorithm, the recent news that meta has decided all business profile’s data, as well as any links they’ve shared over the years, is now theirs to use to train their Ai models, and the whole not living in the present/enjoying life outside technology thing has had me wishing I could just delete it all and run for the hills.
But there’s been something else bothering me and it all came to a head after my exhibition with my lovely friend Susan.
That, I just don’t know if my art is worth continuing with.
I know last year I wrote a blog that was along similar lines, but if I can’t see a way to evolve my artwork, then it just ends up extinct.
The weather certainly didn’t help things at the exhibition, with yellow & amber warnings each day for wind and rain. But footfall was low. And sales too. There was zero interest in my original works, some which were older and very reasonably priced. One fellow artist shook her head in dismay and told me my prices were far too low. And they were, because I really needed a sale. I have an unexpected, four-figure vet bill due by the end of this month and no means to pay it all.
What sold was giftware, a couple of prints and some cards. On the Sunday, the last day, I sold zilch.
So much effort and time preparing and organising; months of it. Squeezing in painting where I could, spending money on stock in the hope of recouping it back and (hopefully) some more.
I tried to look at it objectively - firstly, the weather was clearly against us. And I’m also aware that my work is quite niche and that my ideal clients are most likely not attending the BLF art trail. Although had our promotion been better, could that maybe have been different? I’m also pretty shit at selling myself. And lastly, life has been tough this year so I never got to explore the theme of the exhibition how I had hoped to. I was just too busy to spend much time in the studio.
But it’s hard to not feel personally about it. After all, my work is a huge part of me that I’m putting out there for all to see, and judge. A couple of people tried to offer some kind wisdom - “why not paint something that will sell better?” - but that misses the point entirely. I want to paint something I am passionate about. It shows when I have enjoyed painting a subject I love and is authentically “me”. I don’t want to (and I don’t currently) paint a subject for the sake of painting the subject - the vast majority of my work carries a story or symbolism and isn’t just of an *insert animal here*.
If there’s one thing being an artist will do for you, it’s highlighting where all your short comings are! Fear of failure? Check. Imposter syndrome? Also check. Feeling misunderstood? Big hell yes.
Steve mentioned an interesting thing to me after the exhibition, which has maybe planted a seed. He brought up a paper mache zebra mask that I made probably a dozen or so years ago now.
I made the clay form, paper mache’d over it, painted it and used my horses tail as the mane. “Maybe your creativity needs to be directed elsewhere?”
When I went to college and had various subjects to explore… I thought then I wanted to be a sculptor. I loved working with my hands, be that working in clay, woodwork (I’ve long wanted to restore or make rocking horses!), metalwork (during school I wanted to be a blacksmith but the college tutors at Oatridge put me off the male dominated industry saying I’d never get an apprenticeship) and even creating fine art prints with wood blocks, where the act of carving out wood felt much more aligned to my artistic vision. Maybe I just need a new path to explore?
I have a lot to process. And it will no doubt happen in the background of my brain while I get back to sorting all the things that were sacrificed during the run up to BLF! Then it’s back to commissions. Of which my books are open!
I want to leave this with a heartfelt thank you to the people who battled through the wind and rain to visit our exhibition, and especially to those who made purchases, no matter how small. I am hugely grateful. This is my job. It’s not a hobby. It needs to make money so that I can live and pay my bills, and not just wipe its face. Plus, there is nothing more sad in the world than someone whose creativity is curtailed, especially at a time when we need human-made art the most!
Thank you for taking the time to read :)